How to Turn Emotional Pain Into Power - a personal story
Remember that Sex In the City scene when Miranda’s boss gave her the hand and she retaliated and eventually quit her job? She showed us how to live in self love and turn emotional pain into power when she finally established good boundaries and quit.
I wonder how many women are feeling dismissed right now in their jobs or with their spouses or close relationships. Have any idea? I searched this online and saw article after article on the disparity of pain management between men and women. Women are being dismissed when they see their doctors or go to hospitals when they are in pain. According to a Harvard article
Women’s pain is seen as more emotional and brought on by stress and anxiety etc. The result is most women get handed a prescription and that is the beginning of the journey into health problems.
Turning Emotional Pain into Power
Our emotions are physical. Emotions are the result of a series of chemicals released in the body that activate other parts of our body. Think fight or flight response of the Sympathetic Nervous system. Emotions are held in the body and when they are not allowed to be seen and are shut down, where does this pain energy go? It builds up and gets released later in many ways from violent outbursts to autoimmune disease and eventually cancer after years of not being acknowledged.
How many years have women been dismissed? I’m thinking for as long as we have had relationships with men. We aren’t valued, appreciated or respected in our patriarchal society. This isn’t me being a victim or making stuff up. It’s fact. Proven by the plethora of articles on why women’s physical pain is ignored more than men’s. And the countless books and publications on similar topics – abortion rights, wage disparity etc.
I recently stumbled upon a clip showing a panel of high-profile men in the film industry sitting on a stage and one woman – Meryl Streep. She was saying, “When you learn a new language you really learn it when you dream in that language. Women dream in “Men”. Women speak “Men”. But men don’t speak “Women.”
Meryl speaks truth.
So, what happens to your emotions after you have been dismissed and how can you take back control of your emotions before they go unconscious and create serious physical damage to warrant a visit to the doctor?
You become AWARE of how your subconscious responses create your pain.
When you’re learning how to live in self love, the first thing is to become aware of your unconscious responses. Follow along as I describe what happened when my son dismissed me this morning.
This is how I felt when my grown-up son snapped at me when I asked him what he had planned for the day.
My UNCONSCIOUS Response would have been
(The OLD way of responding)
ANGER – First my thoughts went to, “Who do you think you are talking to me like that, when you are living in my house for free while you get your life back on track!” then…
VICTIM – “After all I’ve done to support you… given you lots of money, bailed you out so many times when things were tough, this is how you treat me?” I think to myself that my son is just like his father – selfish, narcissistic, rude and cruel.
Then from this wounded place I would have lashed out verbally, saying those things or worse. Causing him to go to his insecure wounded place and we would have gone at it continually injuring each other and eventually me feeling that I need stronger boundaries with him then I would have kicked him out.
To make myself feel better, I would have gone immediately to the store and purchased 2 tubs of Haagen Das ice cream and eaten them both while watching a show in the evening. I would have woken the next morning feeling sad, heartbroken and physically ill from eating all that ice cream. I would have created gut dysbiosis/inflamation which would have signaled to my neurotransmitters that I am not loved causing me to cry the rest of the day or call in sick from work and worse, gain 5 pounds! Not showing up for myself or at work would have affected many other people who were counting on me to show up.
In this scenario everyone is injured with long lasting effects rippling through my community. Perhaps we wouldn’t have talked to each other for months holding on to our story as the truth each feeling victimized. Perhaps my boss and colleagues would have formed an opinion of me not being reliable affecting my job and relationships, reinforcing my sense of not being good enough and loneliness. And on and on we go on the emotional rollercoaster.
This has happened many times to me with my Ex-husband. This dance of defense from our wounded inner child resulted in years of unhappiness and eventual divorce.
Perhaps you can relate and remember a time when your unconscious response to someone else’s unconscious response created so much emotional pain that you felt it physically. What do you think this does to your body after years of this emotional pain? Where does it hurt in your body right now?
This is the first step in awareness. I am aware that I don’t want to fight with my son whom I love very much. I ask myself- How can I do this differently?
My Conscious Response Now
(I first go to my body rather than my mind.)
I am aware of my anger and the feeling of being punched in the heart. My chest is tight. I feel constriction in my upper back. I want to cry. I feel small. I feel as if I am suffocating.
I start to breathe through these feelings. Deep slow breaths. I acknowledge my feelings. I acknowledge the pain and constriction and tell them “I see you.
The need to cry dissipates and I no longer feel small or suffocated. I am able to go back to my office and continue with my morning emails.
I notice my son making humming sounds as he works at this computer, trying to ignore what just happened and maybe hoping that I will just forget about it. I say nothing.
He then comes over to tell me he’s going to a café to work. I ask him if he has anything to say to me. He responds with, “Yes, I’m sorry for my reaction just now, I was nervous but I could have handled it way better, I’m so sorry Mom.” To which I say, “Nice, thank you for that. Is there anything I can support you with today?”. He says “No, just keep being amazing.”
He left feeling good about himself and I was left feeling honored and respected.
This really happened.
When we can become aware of how delicate and sensitive our emotions are and their effects on our body, we start to learn self-love.
Say this today, “I love myself too much to participate in unconscious patterns that only create sadness and loneliness.”
Love Diana xo
